Russian Mail Order Bride
by TheHineyGods
Summary: [ KaiRei yaoi, sexual humor ] When Tala gets sent to Kai and Rei as a Russian mail-order bride, wacky things ensue. What'll happen when Kai gets jealous and decides to dispose of Tala? Cement shoes? R


Disclaimer: TheHineyGods do not own Beyblade, Candy Land, or the Russian Mail-order Bride service. Too bad.  
  
  
  
Welly, welly, well! Lookie what we have here! A fic from the same freaks who brought to you "Beytanic"! About time, too. We actually started this one a few months ago, and just a few weeks prior to now decided to finish it. I must say, though, I think we lost all plot halfway through. It's still funny, anyway, or at least we think.  
  
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Russian Mail-Order Bride  
  
  
  
  
  
"I'm going out to get the -- oomph! Hey! Who left this giant box in front of the door?" Rei questioned.  
  
  
  
Hearing Rei's little accident, Kai stepped into the hall holding a box of bandages.  
  
  
  
"What happened this... what's that?" Kai stared at the huge shipping crate in front of them.  
  
  
  
"And what're these holes for?" Rei asked, pointing to a cluster of holes near the bottom.  
  
  
  
Kai groaned. Those reminded him of the air holes Mariah had punched into the box she had shipped herself to Rei in.  
  
  
  
"Well, let's open it. We'd better send her back before Lee notices she's missing," Kai stated.  
  
  
  
Rei nodded, remembering Mariah's little UPS escapade. He went off to retrieve the crowbar from their garage.  
  
  
  
As Rei rummaged in the garage, Kai walked around the box, wondering why Mariah even bothered anymore. He and Rei had been living together for months, for God's sake! She obviously didn't understand that Rei had absolutely no feelings for her.  
  
  
  
Kai only stopped his internal ranting when he glanced down at the bottom of the box. A small grin spread across his lips as he read the words "This side up" upside down with an arrow pointing at the ground accompanying them. Surely the blood would have rushed to her head and caused her to go unconscious. It would be easier to stuff her back into the crate without her clinging to Rei's leg, screeching.  
  
  
  
Soon after Kai had thought this, Rei returned holding the crowbar triumphantly.  
  
  
  
"Found it!" Rei announced proudly, handing it over to Kai, who positioned it in the crack along the side. With the help of Rei, he managed to put enough pressure on it to pop off one side of the crate.  
  
  
  
Inside the box, balancing on the two points of his hair, was Tala. He toppled over, landing on his back. He stared up at Rei and Kai. They stared back. Tala blinked. They blinked.  
  
  
  
Both boys watched as Tala flipped onto his stomach and rose up onto his hands and knees. While he was scuttling around, sniffing the doorstep, Rei noticed something.  
  
  
  
"Oh, lookie... he has a note pinned to his shirt." He bent down and took it off then handed it to Kai to read aloud.  
  
  
  
"Dear consumer," Kai began, reading from the note. "Thank you for ordering one of our wonderful Russian brides."  
  
  
  
"Wait a second," Rei interrupted. "If it's a boy, how can it be a bride? It IS a boy, right?" He lifted one of Tala's legs and peered under.  
  
  
  
Kai coughed and continued. "Our brides are bred for your convenience, and are skilled in cooking, cleaning, and a variety of other things."  
  
  
  
Rei blinked. "I wonder what they mean by 'a variety of other things...'"  
  
  
  
"It's signed 'The Abbey,'" Kai finished, tossing the paper aside.  
  
  
  
"The Abbey? You mean, like...," Rei trailed off, looking up at Kai, who nodded and stepped over to the crate that Tala had arrived in. "What're you doing?" he asked as Kai searched the box for something.  
  
  
  
"Looking for a return address so we can send him back," Kai replied, leaning over to look at the side.  
  
  
  
Rei squatted down and threw his arms around Tala's neck. "Aww... can't we keep him? He's so cute! I promise I'll feed him and walk him every day and take real good care of him. Please, Kai?" He stared up at Kai with big, pleading eyes.  
  
  
  
Kai crossed his arms. "Oh, yeah? Do you recall what you said about the Oliver you wanted to keep so bad? You said the same exact thing, and what happened?"  
  
  
  
"He got run over," Rei sighed in defeat, looking down.  
  
  
  
"And that's what you get for leaving the gate open," Kai concluded, turning to pick up the discarded piece of the crate and look it over.  
  
  
  
"Pleeeease, Kai? I promise it won't happen again!" Rei wailed, hugging Tala so tightly he almost choked him to death.  
  
  
  
"Fine, fine," Kai sighed exasperatedly since Rei was on the verge of tears. Besides, an argument could lead to days without sex, and Kai couldn't have that.  
  
  
  
"Yay!" Rei exclaimed, jumping up.  
  
  
  
  
  
Later that day, while Rei was out with his new Tala, the phone rang. Kai, figuring it was Max calling to say that Rei had fallen into the pond... again, answered it.  
  
  
  
"Hello?"  
  
  
  
"Hi... enjoying your bride?" came the garbled voice from the other line.  
  
  
  
"Wha... who is this?" Kai questioned angrily.  
  
  
  
"You can call me your favorite neighborhood bride-sender," the voice replied.  
  
  
  
"Isn't that name a little long?" Kai asked?  
  
  
  
"Nah... that's the shortened version. The long one was 'the crazy person who likes to send out Russian mail-order brides to people to ruin certain aspects of their lives.' But I couldn't have you call me that, now could I?" the voice chortled.  
  
  
  
"Gasp! What are you trying to do?" Kai shouted.  
  
  
  
The person just laughed.  
  
  
  
"Oh, and before you hang up, it's really obvious you're using a voice changer. Maybe you should look into getting a better one," Kai said flatly.  
  
  
  
"Is it really that obvious? ... Oh well. Mwahahahahaha!"  
  
  
  
"Hey, why'd you really send Tala to us?"  
  
  
  
"You'll see, Kai... you little bastard." And with that, the strange bride-sending person hung up.  
  
  
  
Just as Kai began to let out a colorful string of curses at the phone, Rei and Tala returned.  
  
  
  
"Hello, hello!" Rei chimed, giving Kai a kiss. He completely ignored the fact that Kai continued his cursing the minute he broke the kiss.  
  
  
  
"I'm going to bring Tala upstairs to show him his room. We'll be back in a little bit, then we can start dinner," Rei stated, heading toward the staircase with Tala in tow.  
  
  
  
Kai watched them go upstairs, wondering what that crazy bride-sending freak meant by "you'll see."  
  
  
  
  
  
Three weeks passed by. Rei kept his promise to Kai, remembering to feed, water, walk, and play with Tala as needed.  
  
  
  
Kai had forgotten abut the odd phone call. He, Rei, and Tala were very happy together. They went to the park together, bathed together, and had the best group sex together. All was lovely in the world of yaoi threesomes.  
  
  
  
Of course, there were the downsides. They soon found out that Tala was not housebroken, therefore, they had to cover the floors in newspapers to avoid ruining the carpet.  
  
  
  
Also, Kai was beginning to feel as if Rei loved his new pet more than him. He didn't like the feeling that Rei wasn't as much of his own as he would've liked. After all, hadn't he, Kai, been the one who had "accidentally" run over the Oliver?  
  
  
  
Sure, the sex was spiffy, but it just wasn't worth it. He was going to have to come up with an ingenious plan to dispose of the Tala without Rei knowing he had done it -- but he was going to need some assistance.  
  
  
  
"Hey, Max, I need some help," Kai said in a low voice into the phone, while glancing suspiciously around the room. Why, he wasn't sure; Rei had brought Tala with him to the grocery store.  
  
  
  
"Okay, Kai, whatcha need help with?" the other boy asked cheerfully.  
  
  
  
"You know that Tala that got sent here? Well, I need to get rid of him. I have the plan ready and everything. I just need you to bring the cement."  
  
  
  
"Cement? What do you plan to do that'd require cement?"  
  
  
  
"I'm going to --" He glanced to either side. "-- give him cement shoes."  
  
  
  
Max was silent, then asked hesitantly, "Cement shoes? Wouldn't those be a bit hard to walk in?"  
  
  
  
Kai slapped his forehead exasperatedly with his free hand. "No! You know, when the Mafia used to put a person's feet in cement blocks, then push them off the pier into the water, they would call it 'giving them cement shoes?'"  
  
  
  
"Oooh, yeah," Max replied after Kai had explained. "... But don't you think that's a little harsh?"  
  
  
  
"Just have the cement mix at the river by midnight tonight, and --"  
  
  
  
"Kai! We're home!" Rei yelled after slamming the door closed.  
  
  
  
Kai coughed and, in a conspicuously loud voice, said into the phone, "No, we already get the newspaper," then hung up.  
  
  
  
  
  
Everything went as planned. That night, Kai turned down Rei's offer of sex, saying he was too tired. He waited until Rei had fallen asleep, then sneaked up to Tala's room. Using a garbage bag and a shoe, he knocked him out and dragged him out of the house and to the river.  
  
  
  
Max was already waiting there. He left once Kai arrived, since his job was only to bring the cement. Kai got the cement ready then put it around the still unconscious Tala's feet. Once it had hardened, he pushed Tala into the river.  
  
  
  
He watched with a satisfied smirk as he sank like a rock. Finally content, he went home for some well-needed rest.  
  
  
  
  
  
When Kai awoke the next morning, Rei wasn't in bed. He got up and walked into the kitchen to find Rei sitting in a chair, toweling off a dripping Tala.  
  
  
  
He looked up when Kai entered the room. "Oh, Kai," he said, "good morning."  
  
  
  
Kai didn't respond. He was frozen, staring at Tala.  
  
  
  
Rei, seeing him looking at Tala, explained. "I was making breakfast, and he just walked in, all wet. I don't know what happened."  
  
  
  
Tala gave Kai a knowing glare.  
  
  
  
Kai had been sure that by this time he and Rei would be in the middle of a nice session of feel-better sex to ease the loss of the Tala. He was shocked that, instead of swimmin' with the fishes, Tala was standing right in front of him, glaring nonetheless.  
  
  
  
"I have to go... shopping," Kai managed to spit out before bolting through the front door.  
  
  
  
Instead of the store, Kai headed to his thinking place -- the neighbor's dead kid's tree house. He climbed up to it and sat in the rickety corner.  
  
  
  
'What to do? He came back. The Oliver was so much easier to get rid of,' Kai thought. He pondered over this for an hour before an idea sparked.  
  
  
  
"By George, I've got it!" he exclaimed. Kai soon leapt from the tree house and ran off to gather supplies.  
  
  
  
  
  
Later that night, once everyone was sleeping, Kai sneaked into Tala's room once again. He wasn't here to harm Tala this time. Instead, he merely lifted the sheets and placed something beneath them.  
  
  
  
After returning the sheets to their previous position, Kai had to resist the urge to laugh. Watching those Godfather movies had paid off.  
  
  
  
Unable to get his hands on a horse's head, Kai had settled for the next best thing -- a broken beyblade, and if that didn't scare the pants off Tala, the note attached surely would.  
  
  
  
Kai slinked out into the hall and back down to his and Rei's room, where he climbed back into bed and fell asleep grinning.  
  
  
  
  
  
Rei was woken the next morning by a startlingly loud shriek coming from Tala's room. He jumped out of bed and ran to the door, waking Kai in the process.  
  
  
  
Instead of following, Kai just lied there. 'Tala will be leaving soon enough,' he thought to himself gleefully.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Leave or DIE," Rei read the note aloud to Kai at breakfast. Upon hearing this phrase, Kai burst into giggles. Lucky for him, he was drowned out by Tala's howling.  
  
  
  
"It's okay. I didn't mean it. You won't die, Tala," Rei cooed, holding Tala's hand and rubbing it.  
  
  
  
Once Tala regained his composure, Rei turned back to his plate.  
  
  
  
"So, you two up for a rousing game of die -- I mean, DICE, later?" Kai asked, casually inserting the mispronunciation.  
  
  
  
As Tala began to howl once more, Kai excused himself from the table and went off to think in the garage.  
  
  
  
  
  
He sat there, between the discarded crowbar and an old tire, deep in thought. What else could he do to get rid of Tala? He had tried getting rid of all traces of him, and he had attempted to scare him off. The only thing left to do would be to directly dispose of him.  
  
  
  
"I could kill him and make it seem like an accident," Kai mused, scratching his head thoughtfully, "or, maybe, I can just kill him and throw the body away and make it look like he ran away."  
  
  
  
He gave the crowbar next to him a meaningless glance then did a double take.  
  
  
  
"Hmm..."  
  
  
  
Picking up the tool, Kai grinned maliciously. This item would most certainly do the job.  
  
  
  
  
  
Yes, the crowbar really did do the job. It would've taken Kai hours to pull up all of those tiles in the kitchen without it. Now, all he had to do was come up with a good way to get rid of Tala.  
  
He narrowed his eyes as it hit him. Why hadn't he thought of it before? All he had to do was call... the boss.  
  
  
  
  
  
Kai was sitting around, for once not bothered by the sounds of Rei and Tala in the next room, happily playing a friendly game of Candy Land. No, there was no need to be bothered when Tala wouldn't be around for much longer. He had made the arrangements a day or two ago, so it wouldn't be long now.  
  
  
  
Indeed, it wasn't long at all. Not long after, the door was practically kicked down, and Bryan barged in.  
  
  
  
Rei wandered in, Tala in tow.  
  
  
  
"What's all the noise?" he asked, looking confused.  
  
  
  
"There's been a recall," Kai supplied when Bryan didn't answer.  
  
  
  
"What do you mean?" Rei looked between Kai and Bryan with a confused look on his face.  
  
  
  
"It means the Russian mail-order bride you received is defective. Watch," Bryan stated. He stepped over to Tala and scratched behind his ear. Instantly, Tala began to foam at the mouth.  
  
  
  
"See? One wrong touch and... BOOM! He bites off a limb," Kai told Rei, pulling his arm into his shirt to imitate the point he was making.  
  
  
  
Rei looked at Tala sadly and nodded his head.  
  
  
  
"If he's going to endanger us, we should probably send him back. But is there a way for you guys to fix him?" Rei looked up at Bryan hopefully, giving him a pleading look.  
  
  
  
"No, he will have to be locked in a decontamination cell and fed through a tiny hole near the floor. He'll never see the light of day again," Bryan replied emotionlessly.  
  
  
  
And with that, Bryan grabbed Tala by the arm and dragged him from the house. As Rei watch with tear-filled eyes, Tala was tossed into the back of a large white van with no windows.  
  
  
  
Bryan strode around to the driver's door, climbed in, and drove the van off into the sunset.  
  
  
  
As Rei closed the door, a manic, electronic laugh could be heard from a bush on the side of the house.  
  
  
  
"You may have foiled my plans this time, Kai, but I will get you next --" Dizzi's evil villain speech was cut off when Kenny picked her up and closed her.  
  
  
  
"Here you are, Dizzi. Wow, I never knew you could travel so far without feet..." Kenny continued mumbling to his computer as he wandered off.  
  
  
  
No one ever quite heard the angry voice screaming the word "NOOO!!".  
  
  
  
[ owari ]  
  
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Uhh... yeah. o__o; We definitely lost all sensible plot somewhere. Oh well... liked it? Review!! ^__^ 


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